No More Girl Scout Cookies for You!
I’m having a really hard time today. Yesterday was my first day with a personal trainer and it was…. depressing. She measured me, weighed me, measured my body fat, then asked me what my goal was. I just want to look a little better for our Florida trip to I told her if I lost 10 pounds I would be ECSTATIC, but that I didn’t think it was realistic because I didn’t really feel like I had THAT much weight to lose. My goal: 10 pounds. Then the cute little 4′5″ ex-gymnast bitch says to me: “Actually, you need to lose 20 pounds to get to your healthy range”. TWENTY POUNDS?! That right there was it. The moment I developed a serious eating disorder.
So I’m on a 1500 calorie diet and I have to do this crazy workout regime which has me doing, in addition to weight lifting, cardio for 30 minutes with my heart running at 166 beats per minute. OK look, I work out a lot. I’m already at the gym all the time, and when I’m not at the gym I’m taking long dog walks. Not only that, but my resting heart rate is a very low 60bpm. I looked that up. That is the resting heart rate of a ‘well-conditioned athelete’. I cannot physically get to 166bpm!
I don’t know what to think about all of this. I went home and cried and felt like I couldn’t peel myself off the bed for the entire night last night. I skipped photography class. Just the fact that someone would look at me and think, “She’s got to lose 20 pounds!”…. Oh my god, it makes me want to throw up.
I’m glad that I have my girlfriends to yank me back into reality from perky cheerleader hell, but I think I might be changed forever because of what that girl said. I was getting my hair cut today and I was looking at myself in the mirror thinking, “Oh my god. My face is ROUND! When did that happen???”. I’m trying not to be insane about it, but it is hard. I weighed my ground beef before dinner. I have never in my whole life done that before.
This doesn’t feel good. It feels like I’m in a war against my own body. And a war against food. And I LOVE food, so this really sucks. I just wish I could go back to yesterday at 2pm. Back when I just wished my jeans were a little less tight.
