Putting out Fires

Since I’m on a firefighting kick, I’ve been saving this for a while:

(*Note:  this blog has been posted on a different day from when it was written, for paranoia’s sake)

When I started this blog I really thought that it would be an outlet to talk about my new life as a firefighter wife (hence my blog title).  It was such a huge change in the lifestyle I was used to that I was terrified of what it would do to me, my individuality, my marriage, our path.  As it turns out, I’ve taken to the life so fully that I don’t even think to post about the lifestyle very often. 

But really, its not always easy.  Ryan’s schedule is always different so I only sort of know what to expect for the week.  Recently he worked on day 1, then he was off on day 2 but he had class that night, then he worked day 3, picked up an overtime shift on day 4, then his regular shift on day 5.  That means I didn’t see him for almost five days straight.  This really isn’t normal, but it does happen occasionally.

Sometimes I enjoy the time alone, but on other nights I just feel….alone.  Most of my friends in town are married or super busy, not to mention the fact that I live pretty far away from most people.  So I end up home alone with only the TV and books to keep me company.  Tonight is one of the bad nights.  I’m feeling really down and almost like I have a life all on my own.  I go to work, come home and let the dogs out, go to the gym alone, come back home to the dogs, heat up leftovers because its not worthing making a real meal for one, then attempt to waste 3 or 4 hours until its time to go to bed.  More often than not, though, I just can’t get myself excited about a project or something productive with such an empty, quiet house so I end up moping around.

I sometimes hear people talking about how their spouse is out of town for the week so they’re not sleeping right.  Believe me, I do understand how that would be hard to deal with, but a small part of me wants to scream, “Try my life for a month!  Try being so used to your spouse being gone that its easy to fall asleep alone.  Try waking up in the morning, and rolling over just to see if its a morning that he’s there or not.  Try having part of your bedtime routine be barricading yourself in the bedroom just in case.”. 

As a positive, I do feel really lucky that I have such a great husband that I do feel sad when he’s not around.  On days when he is home, I feel so blessed for that precious time with him and I must admit I am really protective of the time we do have together.  Just to be in the same space as him…  My greatest fear is that some day I’ll get used to being alone. 

Last night as I was getting ready for bed I had the news on in the background.  Whenever I hear the word ‘fire’ I have to see what they’re talking about.  Well, last night is what every firefighter’s wife dreads:  I saw my husband’s engine.  The pictures were only from the sky, and all they knew about the fire was that it was two houses burning and that there were downed electrical lines.  The worst part was, the fire was only about a half mile from my house, so when I went into the backyard I could see the huge plume of smoke.

I was frantic.  Called whoever I knew would be awake just to have someone to talk to.  Flipped channels for the full half hour of the news just in case they had any new information.  Then I waited.  I stayed up for an extra hour and a half waiting for Ryan to call.  He always calls before he goes to bed.  I’m still waiting.

I’m sure he’s fine.  I woke up early to catch the news at the top of the hour and there wasn’t any bad news, just pictures of the fire from the ground and pictures of firefighters working, probably Ryan.  But still, its nights like last night that make me question whether this job is worth it.