Letter from the Past
Last night I was putting things away in the Room Formerly Known as the Jungle Room and came across a box of old computer disks. I wanted to throw them out but felt compelled to go through them and see what was there.
I was reminded how much I’ve changed in just 6 or 7 years. What I found on them were old homework assignments, letters that I wrote to my grandmothers in college, planning documents for when I was really involved in church, super-anal Excel documents planning trips to Mexico and camping with friends, pictures of my girlfriends and me in bars, soccer games, and on trips, and worst of all: heart-breaking letters that I wrote to ex-boyfriends and never sent.
There were letters of these sort to 3 different boys, but 1 in particular reminded me of times when I was so lost feeling that I couldn’t imagine another side to the sadness. When I was in my 3rd year of school I was dating a boy I was sure I was going to marry. Things were perfect the whole summer between semesters, but when we returned back to school he was suddenly too busy to make time for me. I was confused, and desperate, so I broke up with him to make a point. Well, he, being a boy, actually thought I was meaning to stay broken up. I kept waiting for him to see the light and come begging to me. Then one day, months after we’d ended, I convinced him to go to coffee. We did, and we had a great time. He told me he’d like to hang out. I assumed he really meant it. I waited by the phone. I waited for emails. I waited to see his truck on campus. Nothing. So I wrote him letters about how sad I was. I wrote to him about the future I wish we had together. I wrote to him about all the great things we did together. I wrote to him about how I was waiting. And I never sent them.
Reading that letter was a bit of a shock because I am so far on the other side of that sadness that I forgot I was ever even there. I remember being sad, of course, but I didn’t remember being so absolutely, utterly disjointed.
So I guess what they say is true: time really does heal all wounds. And I did learn from that relationship, and all my other relationships, and it led me to my true love.
It felt really good to put that letter in the recycle bin.
